Here are some ways to say ‘no’ to the invitations that might sound good but don’t feel right for you. I’d love to hear your feedback about how you have put these into practice in your own life.

‘I’d love to say yes, but I have to say no’.

This gives people a gentle way of saying that I feel warmly toward your idea but I am unable to assist you. If you need a soft and gentle way of letting people down then this statement meets the need!

‘Thank you for asking me but I’m fully committed at present’.

This is an excellent response as no one can argue with the fact that you are master of your time and you know where every single hour is allocated and there’s no possibility of taking on another commitment.

‘Thank you for asking me but I’ll need to check my diary and get back to you’.

If you habitually say ‘yes’ to everyone then this is another excellent response and the important thing is that you don’t reach for your diary! This response gives you some time to think about whether this is really how you want to spend your time or do you really value the company of this person/people. If, at a distance once you’ve consulted your diary, your response is ‘yes I’d love to do that, be there; be involved with that’, then call the person and commit your time and presence to the occasion, activity or involvement. Then you can turn up 100% to your commitment rather than saying ‘yes’ to something that you’ve habitually said ‘yes’ to and end up resenting how you’re spending your time.

In my next blog we’ll talk about how people use the word ‘try’ to indicate interest…as in, ‘I’ll try and be there on Saturday…’.

The idea of separation is the cause of all suffering. It has become second nature to us to judge ourselves and one another; it is second nature to us to see others as less than, or more than, us; it is second nature to us to react in habitual ways; it is second nature to us to believe in certain things; it is second nature to us to feel a particular way and even to label ourselves as a feeling: ‘I am scared; I am sad; I am depressed’ rather than ‘I feel scared; I feel sad; I feel depressed’.

You will often people hear people – or yourself! – say, ‘It is second nature for me to react like this/to feel this way/to think like this’ and yet, no one ever seems to question, what is my first nature? The purpose of humankind is to relinquish everything that has become second nature to us so that we reveal and experience our first nature; that we leave aside judgement, our desires and attachments so that we live and act as if every other person were our self. This is the path to liberation from fear and from all suffering.

Just as you can only see the colours of light by using a prism – thereby refracting the seven colours of the rainbow, likewise you can only perceive this creation through the prism of the human body.

It is this first nature that experiences a profound sense of union with all creation; that sees no separation; that sees the other as our self.

The drive for happiness implies a dissatisfaction with the present moment and maintains the illusion that greener pastures lie just ahead.

Before we had language, as we lay in our cribs, we were marinating in the mantra of ‘I’ll be happy when’. We heard our parents say: “I’ll be happy when you get a pay rise”, “I’ll be happy when we move to a bigger house”, “I’ll be happy when we get a better car”, “I’ll be happy when you remember to take out the rubbish”, “I’ll be happy when the kitchen is renovated”, “I’ll be happy when we go on holidays”, “I’ll be happy when we retire”. And before long, we find ourselves in the same predicament. “ I’ll be happy when it’s Christmas”, “I’ll be happy when I turn 5”, “I’ll be happy when I go to school”, “I’ll be happy when I leave school”, “Happy when I get my qualifications”, “Happy when I get a job”, “Happy when I find my perfect partner”, Happy when we have children”, “Happy when they leave”, “Happy when we have a bigger house, car, nest egg”, “Happy when the divorce comes through”. Before long we are deeply convinced that happiness lies in the future once we have the ‘stuff’ of life – the possessions, the relationships, the accoutrements of a happy life.

This constant striving for the ‘stuff’ of life that we believe will bring us happiness dominates us. Have you considered how much time you spend on the ‘getting of stuff’?

Advertising and marketing gurus will have us believe that we will be super cool or happy when we have their stuff. Then they build in obsolescence so that we’ll need to replace our stuff. We want the latest model stuff. We have to have the most fashionable stuff. We want our stuff in a variety of colours. Then we find that none of the cords from the old stuff fit the new stuff. Until the poor planet is pretty much stuffed.

Not only is the pursuit of happiness making us miserable but it will lead to the demise of a Western economy built upon the premise that happiness lies in a future just out of our reach.

If we believe that the pursuit of happiness will deliver us into this illusive state of nirvana we are affirming that the present moment is insufficient for our needs: that heaven lies beyond our reach. Indeed this thinking has found its way into some religions believing that we must suffer now and that our reward comes later. Heaven is not a geographical destination. We make of every moment a heaven or a hell.

Our minds are so full of scheming, planning, and worrying whether or not we will get what we think will make us happy, we seldom experience the peace and ease that lie at our core.

It is unrealistic to expect a superficial happiness in every moment. How can we speak of happiness when a child dies or we’re diagnosed with a serious disease, when we lose our hopes or dreams or are wrongly accused?

If you didn’t want suffering, wrong planet. This is where it all happens and it’s unrealistic to be happy all the time.

Real happiness is found in our ability to embrace the present moment, regardless of its challenges with a quiet mind – free of chaos and chatter – and an open and generous heart.

A meaningful life, is possible for each of us. It’s built on an inner resilience where peace and happiness are not buffeted by the outer circumstances of our lives. Indeed, happiness is an inside job.

Happiness lies in this moment, in this company, in this place, right here, right now. It is found in our ability to be fully open to the joy, the anguish, the sorrow, the pain, the love, the peace or whatever it is we might be experiencing.

We don’t arrive at a place called peace and unpack. Peace and happiness are a moment by moment choice. It lies not in what we have but in how we view the present moment.

We pursue happiness by whatever has become second nature to us. It might be second nature to us to strive for more possessions believing they will bring us happiness. It might be second nature to blame others for our unhappiness. It might be second nature to resent the good fortune of others believing that they are happier than us. It might be second nature to us to think a particular way, to react in certain ways, to feel a particular way. We do what has become second nature to us until we bump into one of the Ds of life.

A D might be a disappointment, a drama, a disaster; a diagnosis, a death, a disability, a disfigurement; a divorce, a debt, a downturn, a drought – we bump into one of these and everything that has become second nature to us doesn’t work. We talk about our second nature without ever considering what is our first nature – our essential nature. These Ds of life have the potential to break us open to our wisdom, to love, to compassion which are all about real happiness.

At the core of every spiritual tradition lies the knowledge that our essential nature, uncluttered by worry and chatter, is full of deep ease, joy and love. Not recognising this, most of us look to the world around us to provide us with peace and happiness.

When we awaken to our first nature, our essential nature, we are liberated from a dependence on the external world for both our sense of self and our inner well-being. We become free to embrace each moment, regardless of its challenges and difficulties, with more intelligence and compassion, rather than satisfying the needs of the ego.

Then we have access to the wisdom that lies deep within us all. This is the realm of real happiness where we focus on developing wisdom rather than amassing knowledge, possessions and illusory states of pleasure.

Imagine if we said:

Being happy makes us miserable.

We could see how ludicrous such a statement would be. It is indeed the pursuit of happiness that is making us miserable.